I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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