her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
