in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
