im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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