Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i will never coherently bang her
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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