One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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