In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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