I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
FUCK WHALES
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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