Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
