Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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