tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
