I want you more than these girls want KFC
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize