I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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