you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
