so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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