my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
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I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
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I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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