I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
