Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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