Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
