Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
