So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
