I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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