my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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