so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
