I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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