I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
