I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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