You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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