everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
