make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
