Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
