You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
