Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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