I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
