that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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