So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
