best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
