I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
