in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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