I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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