don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
