Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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