Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
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I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
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Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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