I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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