ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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