Tell her she can't have a vagina
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
