look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
