I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
