my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
