dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
