I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
