glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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