I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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