something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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