tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
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I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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