I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
