I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
