why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
